Random Gundam Wing Insanity
by Iron Spy
Summary: A get together gone horribly wrong. It's my first humor fic, so be gentle. R&R!


Random Gundam Wing Insanity

This is something I thought up on the spur of the moment, after consuming a lot of Koolaid, watching Austin Powers, and dissing Sailor Moon/DBZ. Standard disclaimers apply. Yadda yadda yadda, I don't own Gundam Wing or any of the characters. I don't own Austin Powers, and I sure as hell don't own Sailor Moon, DBZ, or Ronin Warriors. They are each owned by the respective companies that produced them.   
  
  
"Injustice!"  
"Shut up Wufei. It's either the ponytail or the underwear. Your call."  
"Then I quit!"   
"But you can't quit now, Wufei!" a very annoyed Relena protested. "If you leave the game we have to start all over and we'll never know whether Heero wears boxers or briefs."  
"This game is weak," he muttered.  
"No, you are weak," Sally said as she smacked him in the back of the head. "You aren't going to let one innocent little game of strip poker win, are you?"  
"I didn't know that the woman was a savant!" Wufei yelled.  
"Duo was the one that suggested strip poker. I'm merely playing along," Relena replied innocently.  
"Playing along my ass," a shirtless, shoeless, sockless Heero muttered. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you were enjoying this."  
"Well, I think we all know now to never listen to Duo when he's drunk again," Dorothy stated flatly.  
"You're one to talk, Lady Godiva," Quatre laughed from the living room. "If it wasn't for all that hair I would've thrown up."  
"Did you put Duo to bed?" Trowa asked from in front of the TV.  
"Yeah. But why aren't you playing poker, Trowa?"  
"I didn't want to lose most of my clothes and candy cigarettes to the card shark," he said, motioning to Relena. "The safest thing to do right now is watch TV."  
"Wow," said Hilde reverently. "He said three sentences in under a minute. Is it a new record?"   
"No," Catherine said tiredly from the far side of the makeshift card table.  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can we finish the game now, you guys?" Relena whined.   
"Fine," Sally spoke for everyone.  
"I fold," said Wufei.   
"Ditto," Catherine, Hilde, Dorothy and Quatre stated unanimously.  
"What do you have?" Relena asked Heero sweetly.  
"A straight flush," he replied with a smirk. Relena stared at him for a few seconds, then grinned mischievously.   
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Heero," she cackled as she turned over her hand. Everyone stared. She had a royal flush. "Hand over the pants, Yuy." He gave her the Death Glare.  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"Just give up the pants, Heero," Sally said calmly.  
"If I have to I'll get Zechs," Wufei threatened.  
"If you can pry him away from Noin long enough, that is," Relena commented. In the meantime, Heero had cautiously backed away from the table and was making his escape. Unfortunately for him, Relena noticed. "Hey! Heero, come back here!" He bolted.   
"Stop!" Dorothy yelled as she stood up. Everyone in the room froze.   
"I never wanted to see that," Trowa said quietly. Dorothy advanced on Heero. He was frozen stiff, just staring at the horror that was walking towards him.  
"Stay away," he warned. She was still coming. "God save me," he prayed. She was there. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Oh come on, it's not that bad," Dorothy laughed as she robbed Heero of his spandex shorts. He shuddered violently.  
"I never want a naked woman to touch me again," said a very terrified Heero Yuy. Relena came up to him and giggled.  
"What's the verdict?" Catherine inquired.  
"The Great Heero Yuy wears briefs!" Relena loudly announced.  
"Too much information," Duo groaned as he came down the stairs. "Did you have to be so loud? I have a hangover and I can't sleep if you guys scream." He got a good look at Dorothy, then fainted. A snort of laughter came from Wufei.   
"He faints because of a woman." Dorothy turned around. Wufei's eyes widened, and he fell over.  
"Behold the power of nudity!" Dorothy proclaimed.   
"Dorothy."  
"What, Miss Relena?"  
"Put some clothes on. Now."  
"Okay," Dorothy shrugged. She pulled her dress over her head and sat down again.   
"Thank God," Quatre muttered.  
"Well, now that that's over, could everyone please get redressed?"   
"Cool! Trowa talked again!" Hilde exclaimed.  
"Hilde, a person can change a lot in five years," said Catherine exasperatedly.   
"Really? That's nice to know. Duo must just be some sort of anomaly."  
"Could we all just calm down a little?" Quatre pleaded.   
"He certainly hasn't changed a bit," Catherine speculated.  
"If Duo wakes up he'll be a real pain in the ass."   
"Maybe I was wrong," she reconsidered. "Quatre never was one to cuss."  
"Ugh, remind me never to get drunk again. Hangovers hurt and I don't like to hallucinate naked Dorothys," Duo grumbled as he woke up again.  
"Uh, you didn't hallucinate that part, Duo," Heero said as he pulled his shirt back on.  
"Then why was she naked?"  
"We were playing strip poker, Duo."  
"Without me? Dammit! Why didn't you guys wait for me to wake up?"  
"We did. It was your suggestion. When you passed out halfway through the game we took you upstairs. Don't you remember that?" Hilde asked.  
"No, all I remember is getting the Russian vodka out of Relena's kitchen cabinet."  
"Well, you missed all the fun."  
"Could you be a little bit more quiet? Yelling isn't good."  
"I'm not yelling," Hilde insisted.  
"Yes you are!"  
"No I'm not."  
"Yes you are!"  
"No I'm not!" Hilde screeched.  
"Now you are," Duo grinned wryly. Hilde stopped to consider the situation.   
"You don't have a hangover! You're not even drunk!"  
"What took you so long, Einstein?"  
"Duo!" Hilde yelled as she began chasing Duo. He pulled away as he reached the stairs, but the blanket he was wearing tripped him up, and he went flying over the rail back into the living room. Luckily, he crash-landed on a couch.  
Unfortunately, he landed on the very couch upon which Zechs and Noin were making out. They were unhappy, to say the least. Now poor Duo was trying to untangle himself from Zechs and Noin, and run from Hilde. It was funny, to say the least.   
He had no chance to escape. As soon as he was free from the couch, he had to face the wrath of Hilde. Everyone there watched as she beat the crap out of him with solemn faces. Once she was done, the verbal beatings began.  
"Weakling!"  
"Thanks a lot, Wufei."  
"I think he needed it," Catherine belittled him even further.  
"That's enough!" Everyone in the room stared at Trowa. "What? Did I say something?"  
"Yes," Hilde said slowly. "You did more than say something. You YELLED." She was not the only one stunned by this. Even Heero had a bewildered look on his face.  
"Now I must be honest. I have never heard Trowa yell before," Catherine murmured.   
"Okay, let's just forget about that. Let's watch Austin Powers or something," Quatre suggested.   
"Fine by me," Relena shrugged. The group marched into the living room and took relative places on the couches, floor, and against the wall, in Wufei's case. Duo sat as far away from Hilde, Noin, and Zechs as he could. Dorothy tried to sit as close to Heero as possible, but he evaded her. The embarrassing incident was too fresh in his mind. He sat in the only place Dorothy wouldn't follow: next to Relena.   
Dorothy ground her teeth in frustration and plopped down between Zechs and Noin, oblivious to their ambivalence over her presence. "Do you have any popcorn, Miss Relena?"  
"In the kitchen, first cabinet to the left of the microwave." Dorothy grumbled all the way out to the kitchen. She spent an entire ten minutes searching for the popcorn, then spent another ten minutes figuring out how the microwave worked. It took three minutes to cook the popcorn, then another seven minutes to find a bowl. The movie was well underway by the time she got back.   
The state of the living room had changed dramatically. Zechs and Noin were making out on the couch, Duo and Hilde were sitting next to each other laughing, and Wufei and Sally had disappeared. Trowa was being quiet as usual; Catherine and Quatre were cleaning up the card table. What made Dorothy's blood boil, though, was the way Relena was cuddling with Heero, and he wasn't pushing her away.  
She elected to sit in a chair near Trowa, then focused her attention on the TV. She saw no reason for Duo to be laughing like he was. All that the screen showed was some geeky, extraordinarily ugly guy trying to seduce some woman in a tie-dyed jet. She stared at the TV for the remainder of the movie, and failed to see humor in the movie. Afterwards, everyone got up and went to the kitchen.  
"That was funny," Hilde giggled. "I particularly liked the therapy group part."   
"I agree," Catherine nodded. "But the 'warm liquid goo phase' and the entire 'reanimation' were the funniest."  
"No," Duo disagreed. "It was Mr. Bigglesworth without any hair that was funniest." Everyone that had paid attention nodded in silent agreement. Zechs and Noin continued to make out, and Relena had fallen asleep on Heero at some point, so he wasn't present.  
"Hey, where's Sally and Wufei?" asked Duo.  
"They both went upstairs when the movie began," Catherine replied mysteriously. "And they haven't been down since then."  
"Ooooooooooooooooooooh," Duo smiled evilly. "Blackmail."  
"My thoughts exactly," Heero said as he entered the room. Relena trailed in after him.   
"I could use a drink," she muttered. Relena dug around in the fridge, and pulled out cranberry juice and some sprite. She mixed them together liberally and chugged the mixture. She noticed the stares and sent everyone the Death Glare. "I didn't mean alcohol," she said. Duo noticed a remote control on the counter.  
"What's this for?" he queried.  
"The kitchen TV. It's over in the corner." Duo squealed with delight and turned the TV on. DBZ flashed on the screen. The "camera" stopped on Vegeta.  
"I wonder what he would look like without any hair like Mr. Bigglesworth," he thought aloud.  
"CHANGE THE CHANNEL!"  
"Sheesh." The next channel had Sailor Moon showing. Rini was saying her little sailor dialogue. Duo picked up a cup of Relena's spritzer and took a sip. He then promptly spit it all over the place.  
"You don't like it?"  
"No, did you just hear what that kid just said? I'm Sailor Mini Moon. Is that lame-o or what?"  
"Weak, I believe that's the word," Quatre laughed. Duo got an interesting look on his face. He scrunched his face up like Dr. Evil on Austin Powers and put his pinkie at the side of his mouth.  
In a nasal, Dr. Evil-ish tone, he said, "I shall call her," he paused for a second, "Mini Moon." Hilde instantly understood the joke and snorted. In seconds, everyone was laughing. Dorothy looked confused.   
"You do know how to laugh, don't you?" Relena asked worriedly. Duo sniggered.  
"No." Duo's eyes widened and he clamped a hand over his mouth. Trowa was standing behind Dorothy, about to pop a paper bag. Trowa glared and Duo practically turned blue trying not to laugh.  
"BAM!" the paper bag exploded. Heero pushed Relena over, Dorothy screamed, and everyone else jumped. Duo only laughed. Dorothy was hunched over on the floor, clutching her heart and hyperventilating. Heero was on top of Relena behind the counter. Hilde was clinging to Duo for her life. The laughter began.   
"I didn't know you and Relena were that far along in your relationship, Heero," Duo commented. Zechs, Noin, Wufei, and Sally rushed into the room.  
"We heard gunshot!" Sally wailed.  
Wufei nudged the now still Dorothy with his toe. "Weakling."  
"GET OFF MY SISTER!" Zechs shrieked at Heero.   
"Uh oh," Heero thought as he got up and ran out the other kitchen door.  
"COME BACK HERE, YOU PERVERT!" Zechs yelled like a banshee as he chased Heero.   
"Sit down, people," Noin said calmly. "We're in for a long night."  


The End

Author: "Phew! Now that this fic is over, I can explain some things. Lady Godiva was this person that liked to strip and ride through town naked on her horse."  
Quatre: "So that's what that line meant…"  
Author: "Yes, Quatre."   
A large crash is heard in the background, and Heero runs by screaming.  
Author watches in amusement as a naked Relena runs by.  
Heero: "A little help here?"  
Author: "No, I'm enjoying this." With a snap of her fingers, the author is supplied with pixy stix and Mountain Dew. With another snap of the all-powerful fingers, Zechs enters the equation.  
Zechs' eyes widen as his sister streaks by.   
Zechs: "Relena, put your clothes back on! Heero, I'm going to kill you for defiling my sister!"  
Heero: "But I didn't do anything!"  
Zechs: "Do you think I care?" He joins in the chase.  
Heero: "Uh oh."   
Zechs continues to chase Heero and Relena.  
Author: (in racetrack announcer style) "And down the stretch they come! Heero is in the lead, closely followed by Relena. Oh, but Zechs is making a bid on the outside! Uh oh, Heero's beginning to tire, he's falling back, and ow, he's down. My, my, my, people this has got to hurt."  
Author snaps her fingers, and Heero appears unscathed in her lap.  
Author: "My poor baby, are you all right?"  
Relena: "Hey, he's mine. Back off!"  
Author: "Not on your life."   
With a snap of The Fingers, Relena becomes a cow.  
Heero: "…"  
Zechs: "You turned my sister into a cow!"  
Heero: "Yeah, you did."  
Author: "But I thought you liked me!" (sniffles)  
Heero: "She's my girlfriend, not you."  
Author: "Fine."   
Relena becomes human again, only this time, she's dressed.  
Relena: (sarcastically) "Thanks a lot."  
Author: "You're welcome!"  
Heero: "Can I get out of your lap now?"  
Author: "…"  
Relena: "Lucky you, holding my Heero in your lap like a…" Relena is silenced by The Fingers.  
Author: "I'll not allow a young lady to say or think anything inappropriate."  
Wufei: "Then what does that make you?"  
Author: "Did I say you could speak? No." Wufei disappears. "…stupid Wufei questioning me…"  
Everyone else: "Can we go now?"  
Author: "Yeah."  
Everyone: "FINALLY!" Everyone then leaves.  
Author pulls a couple aspirin out of thin air and downs them with the Mt. Dew. Pulls out a pen and expensive leather bound journal. "Note to self. Next time, work with Ronin Warriors." Looks at now empty pixy stix. "And get more pixy stix. Okay people, that's a wrap!" Curtain falls on author. "Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Lights go out and a door swings shut in the background. "Um, hello out there." Crickets can be heard. "Don't leave me aloneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The Real End

  
So…whaddaya think? Was it good, bad, or just plain old stupid? I won't know if you guys don't review…and I'll accept any type of review. Of course, more aspirin and some chocolate are preferable, but reviews on my story will work as well.   



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